The One With Chandlers New Job
by CitizenNancy
Summary: Chandler gets a new job! Will it last?


The One With Chandlers New Job  
  
(Scene 1: Some street downtown, Chandler is walking with Joey)  
  
Chandler: I gotta get a new job. It's boring at home and exhausting at the same time.  
Joey: How is it exhausting?  
Chandler: Monica is all about this baby right now. Shes measuring things. (Joey chortles) Like things I eat. Shes very uh , I dont want to used the word.  
Joey: I think the word you are pawing at is "Obsessed".  
Chandler: Shes wanted this baby all her life. I'm afraid once she gets it, she want another and another and another.  
Joey: You won't need a job then. You'll be foreman at the Bing Baby Making Factory. (chortles)  
Chandler: And none of the spiffy benefits either. I don't know what to do Joe. If I go back to my old job its likely they will send me back to Tuscon. Yet at home I got nothing but afternoon tv to watch. (They walk by a place with a help wanted sign) Any job will do!  
Joey: How about here? (he points)  
Chandler: I should learn to shut up.  
Joey: Man if you havent learned by now....  
  
(Scene 2: The Bings homestead. Monica and Rachel are there. She seems to be playing with an egg timer. She sets it down triumphantly)  
Monica: There! I always knew that thing was off a little bit.  
Rachel: (stares at her) Yeah, as if those 0.0034 seconds really mattered. (Joey and Chandler enter They are carrying big bags)  
Joey: Guess what we have?  
Rachel: Ok if the doctor couldnt tell you, then what chance do we have?  
Chandler: I have news, and dinner! (he lays a chicken dinner on the table.) You dont have to cook tonight! And I got a job!  
Monica: (kisses him) Thats great! Where?  
Chandler: Does it matter? I'm out of this dump! (Monica cocks an eyebrow at him) I'll be back in the evening though, round five-ish.  
Rachel: Hey, Quicken McChicken! I love this stuff. Did you get an eggplant for Pheobe?  
Joey: (throws a purple lump on the table) Got her covered, but its slightly deep fried.  
Rachel: (pokes at it with a finger) I oughta go soon. Ross and Phoebe are watching the baby. (She grabs some chicken and a corn on the cob.) Snack. (She leaves)  
Monica: Man living with you has really rubbed off on her, eh Joey. Soon she'll be hanging around her her underwear.  
Joey: oooh. (gets a sillys smile) Naked Wednesdays could happen after all. (he takes a paper bag from Chandler.  
Monica: Whats that?  
Joey: (bunches bag together) Nothing, my laundry. (Monica nods, Joey leaves)  
Monica: Why am I not surprised he has only one bag of laundry? So honey tell me about this new job.  
Chandler: (thinks) Well you can say I serve the people. I help people with what they want. They come to me with questions and I answer them. And I ask them...(quick cut, Chandler is at work) And do you want fries with that?  
  
(Scene 3: Quicken McChicken. He is talking with a short brunette with an even taller bee-hive)  
Audrey: Hey Chandler. I'm like your boss. I train you and you do whatever I say, ok? Now, first week we learn the cash register, then I will let you work on your own. Okay?  
Chandler: (hesistantly) Okay.  
Audrey: Any questions so far?  
Chandler: Yes, did your hair know its 2003? (Audrey glares at him for a second and walks away.) All righty. But Audrey I do have a question.  
Audrey: What Chandler? I gotta go like defrost the chicken wings from the back room freezer thing.  
Chandler: I was hoping to be in advertising. Maybe there is something I can do with that.  
Audrey: Really? I'm so glad you asked cause we have someting for dudes who want to like advertise. Come with me.  
Chandler: (silently) Yes! (he follows)  
Audrey: I just need your waist size....umkay?  
  
(Scene 4: Days later...Outside - Joey is with a date)  
Joey: I got connections here. (he smiles leeringly) I can get anything I want!  
Susie: Cool! But I'm a vegetarian. Do they have vegetarian chicken here?  
Joey: I can find out. We can get lots of potatoes. (He suddenly stops when a man in a chicken costume thrusts a flyer at him.)  
Chicken: We have two off thighs on Tuesday!  
Joey: Uh no thanks.  
Chicken: Extra crispy!  
Joey: I said no!  
Susie: That chicken is so rude! Do something about it! (Joey looks at her) Do it or we won't later!  
Joey: Sorry man. (moves to punch the chicken. The Chicken ducks)  
Chicken: Joey, its me! Chandler!  
Joey: (puts his arm down) Funny I dont remember Chandler having so many feathers.  
Chandler: (takes off the chickens head. Susie faints dead away but Joey doesnt catch her. She plunks on the sidewalk. After a second, she sits up)  
Susie: Oh thats so not funny! (she stomps away from him) Don't ever call me!  
Joey: (moans) Aww man! (turns to Chandler) Its ok, I didnt get her last name, or her number. Whats with the outfit?  
Chandler: I was dumb enough to ask for an advertising job. I got it all right. (shakes the head) Buck buck! And I thought I was going to think up slogans, like Who doesnt like chicken!  
Joey: I supposed the chickens themselves. (Chandler nods) When are you going to tell Monica?  
Chandler: Soon. She asked for my first paycheck but since it has a logo on it, I liked and told her I use direct deposit. (sighs)  
Joey: Well shes going to catch on. All that leftover chicken from the other day, she gave to Ross. She aint going to be able to make room for all of it.  
Chandler: Thats true. I might give it a week or two. You'll be able to take some of it off our hands right?  
Joey:(Pats stomach.) Oh yeah, you can count on old Joey here.  
  
(Scene 5:Two days later, Ross's place.)  
  
Ross: Monica? Do you know where the extra babywipes are? (no answer) Monica? (still no answer) Would you get out of my kitchen? My egg timer works fine!  
Monica: (enters with another egg time) But Ross, there are only seconds between a perfectly poached egg and a soupy egg mess!  
Ross: Don't make me hurt you with my kara-tay! (Monica chortles) Well I can still pinch you real good.  
Monica: I hope you dont mind having so much chicken. Chandler brings so many leftovers from lunch right now. It's crazy. Hes eating for two. I should be eating for two!  
Ross: If you were eating for two, youd both be eating for four. (Monica thinks about it) It was funny in my head.  
Monica: Chandler is bringing a lot of chicken. I wonder if we can get him to eat at the Ground round for a change.  
Phoebe: You can't let him eat there! You don't know what they do to those poor cows.   
Ross: Hey I wouldn't look the gift chicken in the mouth. (Emma cries. Ross steps in and picks her up)   
Monica: We're gonna need plastic bags to freeze some of this food. I know a perfect place for them.  
Ross: What's it called, Ziplock heaven?  
Monica: (baffled) How did you know? (Ross rolls his eyes) It's right near the chicken place. It's a quick walk, I'll show you. (Monica heads toward the door.) Come on Pheebs, the baby should see this place.  
Phoebe: We'll have to take a picture, we can list it under "boring places of my youth" in her album. (she grabs a camera)  
  
(Scene 6: Chicken McQuicken - Out front)  
Chandler: (dancing, man whistles) If you think these chicken legs are great, go look at the ones inside! (People moan) Oh and I suppose you would'nt sound the same with this stuff?  
Random dude: (Mocking) Go chicky! Its your birthday! Uhuh uhuh.  
Chandler: (Stops dancing) Ah thats just not nice! (dude walks away.) Oh sure laugh at me, I am here for all my chicken brethen! (he turns and runs smack into Monica.) Sorry!  
Monica: Ch-ch-chandler?? (Chandler nods)  
Phoebe: (taking a picture) Now this goes into the memory book!  
Monica: Why are you working here, in a chicken suit? If the San Diego chicken sees you, he will sue!  
Chandler: I wanted to work again. I feel so useless just hanging around the house.  
Monica: (softly) Oh you arent completely useless.   
Chandler: (long pause) Monica I'm a man, not a chunk of meat!  
Ross: Well you ARE the one in the chicken outfit.  
Chandler: I just didnt want you to think that I was useless around the house. Besides this is just till something else opens.  
Monica: Thats ok Chandler. If you want to work here, thats all right with me, but for gods sakes stop bringing home your work!  
Audrey: Hi like Chicken Chandler. (snorts) Great news. They want to have you full time as our mascot! You can even take the outfit home! And you better, it needs such a washing.  
Chandler: (looks at Monica whos got the fakest smile on. She aint washing that outfit!) I quit!  
  
(Scene 7: Home, all are there)  
Phoebe: Its a good thing you quit the Chicken McQuicken. The potatoes in gravy turns into cement after three days.  
Chandler: Yeah, I know. How do you think I patched up the roof? (Gestures to the patio roof)  
Monica: Is it safe for Joey to be out there?  
Chandler: He'll be fine. (waves to Joey. Joey starts to sink into the roof, then he drops right out of sight)  
Monica: Joey! (they all run out)  
Rachel: Joey? Are all right?  
Joey: I'm fine! I think the chicken suit broke the fall. (All look at Chandler)  
Monica: Didnt you leave that at work?  
Chandler: Remember Chili dog night? They wouldnt let me give back the suit after that.  
(All nod)  
  
The end 


End file.
